I’m mortified that I have to say this on the internet but my mom said I have to since February is dental month, so here goes.
I … gosh, this is so hard to say … I have what is referred to in the industry as… “dookie breath.” I know, it’s horrible but it’s an affliction that I’ve been saddled with. Thankfully, I’m strong enough to handle it but some people/dogs I know aren’t so lucky. I mean, I’m assuming that’s why I smell rotting flesh every time some people open their mouths because why else would they let themselves be known for their halitosis? Self-respect, people. Look it up.
Anyway, I have bad breath. Obviously, since I look this good, I can’t let something as simple as bad breath hold me back so I’ve taken immediate action to rectify the situation. I’m getting a dental today to clean my teeth and I’ll be documenting my brave journey right here.
7:35 A.M.: The veterinary technicians just took my temperature and listened to my heart (I feel so violated). They drew some blood (with what I’m sure was the BIGGEST needle anyone has ever been poked with in the history of the universe) to make sure everything looks good before they anesthetize me. The technicians told me that anesthesia is necessary so I’m not wiggly and nervous during the procedure and the doctors can do a good job cleaning my teeth.
7:41 A.M.: The bloodwork came back and everything looks great (no surprise there) so we’re about to get started.
7:53 A.M.: The doctor is on his way to anesthetize me and WOW THAT NEEDLE IS BIGGER THAN THE LAST ONE. I DON’T LIKE THIS VERY MUCH I … oh, that’s quite a nice feeling. I’m sleepy and warm and … Zzzzz.
8:16 A.M.: I’m awake but very groggy
8:27 A.M: Update: still awake, still groggy
9:00 A.M.: I’m just chilling until this afternoon so the doctors can keep an eye on me and make sure that everything is okay before I go home. I think the anesthesia is almost out of my system because I’m not sleepy at all, although my legs still feel a little wobbly. But boy, do my teeth feel squeaky clean.
3:45 P.M.: It’s time to go home and I’m pumped! Junebug and Nigel are going to be jealous of how good I look so I need to go rub it in their faces a little. Not a lot, mind you, because I’m a classy boy, but just a little so they don’t forget that I’m better than they are.
It’s 9:45 P.M. and I’m settling in for bed. For everyone wondering, I feel great and have already gotten lots of compliments on how glamorous I look. That’s not a surprise but the validation is nice.
Because I’m a certified social media influencer, you’re probably dying to have your own dental cleaning now. You won’t look as good as I do afterwards (don’t feel bad, unless you’re Fabio or Channing Tatum, you can’t top this) but you can still feel like a million bucks! Call the Northside Animal Clinic and make an appointment for a dental cleaning this month!
Sorry, I just got an email from a high profile dentist in the tri-county region who wants to use my photo for the dental practice’s new ad campaign, so I gotta go.